The Wench Who Stole Christmas

Ah, soul sister. Beat me to it.

I hear you girl. Last Christmas, that song was no joke. I got dumped two weeks before Christmas and it was probably the toughest holiday season ever. One night, I tried to close my eyes and tossed and turned. Finally, I got out of bed and went to the wall decorated with holiday cards. I stared at the source of my discomfort and once determined, tore them off my wall and into the garbage. A gush of relief washed away the tinge of guilt–I was able to fall asleep.

Here I was all alone with a bleeding heart on a cold winter night, and there were these families straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog jeering at me from my very own wall. “We refinanced our mortgage of our four-bedroom house while you’re still renting.” “We had our third child this year and expect he’ll row crew at an Ivy League while you’ll be getting surgery to remove cobwebs from your vagina.” “Our marriage is cemented in love, blood and property while you got dumped on a whim.”

I didn’t throw out all family cards though.

It basically boiled down to how obnoxious the cards were, or in other words, how tacky their parents were. I believe the kids are innocent (for now).


-photos are candid shots only

-if posed, has to be dorky (like matching sweaters)

-sign-off as “The _____ Family” totally acceptable. Better: listing everyone’s name (Jay, Beyonce, Blue Ivy). Best: include pet names.

-you are in the photos. By you, I mean, my adult friend, the one I have a relationship with, and not that critter I’ve met maybe never

Your Shutterfly Artwork Will Make Good Compost

-monograms–GAUCHE. dead on arrival.

-anything signed off “The ______s” unless your last name is Simpson and you look like them.

-photos of only your kids. See above. I’m friends with you, not your kids. Also, your kids are cute…but not cute enough to land real estate on my wall.

Sorry, but that’s the truth. Call me a hater. Fine, no Christmas pudding for me. I can’t afford to eat it anyway. I’m your sad, single sorry sister-in-law.


One thought on “The Wench Who Stole Christmas

  1. for the survivor cards – the winner is the person who also includes kids’ ages. let’s be honest, i can hardly remember your kids names and i have no idea how old they are. kids ages are “baby” “toddler” “kid” “tween” “teen” as far as i’m concerned.


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